it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
