I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
