dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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