After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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