yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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