I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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