Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
