sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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