Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
