Me. At least after what I've been through.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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