Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
His hands were made for my vagina.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
