I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
