i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
