dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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