The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
