I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
