now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
