Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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