ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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