Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
