Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
