My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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