I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
