Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
