At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
