I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
