i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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