Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I am available for nakedness
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
