we have officially lost it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
