..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
