I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
