you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
