Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize