the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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