I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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