I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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