Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
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She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
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why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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