i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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