I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
