I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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