I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
