"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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