he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
