if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
