i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
