speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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