my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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