Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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