blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
