when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
