I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
