Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
