I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
