new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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