If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
