I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
