After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
